


Welcome To The No Options Club. It's A Cool Club. Most Of My Friends Are In It. We Meet On Tuesdays

by erini



Category: Gintama
Genre: GINTAMA MAY END BUT MY LOVE FOR THIS SERIES WONT, Reader Insert, eri back at it with her bullshit, reader insert wa nani
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-15
Updated: 2019-07-22
Packaged: 2020-06-28 01:40:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19802113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/erini/pseuds/erini
Summary: You're done with your journey. What now? Of course, it's time to settle down and be an adult! [ Reader x Various ] [ Hinted Gintoki x Reader ]





	1. Don’t ship real people together, you uglies! It’s weird and gross!

**Author's Note:**

> Gintama may have ended last month, but my love wont  
> The title for the fic is based on a line from NBC's Superstore (highly recommend watching that stuff tbh).  
> [1]: Bleach Obviously  
> [2]: Not in Education, Employment or Training

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First impressions are important! Whether it be for appearances or the start of a new fanfic.

Stepping off the train to your newfound home, you felt your heart beat just the slightest bit faster at the thought of starting your life here.

 _‘Ah, I wrote that guy to come over and pick me up from the station...He knows that I’m lost in Edo every time I visit. Guess as revenge, I won’t buy him that choco parfait that he wants’_ , you thought to yourself. You felt yourself pout at your missing escort before you mutter under your breath, “That natural perm idiot...So much for a welcome present.” 

Your feet walked to the vending machine, hoping for a drink to calm your nerves. “Coffee, coffee, adults love coffee~” you sang to yourself absentmindedly before a hand came over your shoulder. “Wrong, wrong. Adults love sweets. Bitter stuff just makes them even more bitter.” 

That deadpanned tone of voice rang familiarly in your ears and you felt your anxiety melt when you turned around. Facing the silver haired samurai, you gave a wide grin. “Gin! There you are!” In your excitement, you wrapped your arms around his neck and his went around your waist. 

“Yeah, it's good to see you too,” Gin replies as he puts you down, “Man, if I knew that you were gonna dress up like this, I would have just came over to you. Spent a lot more time alone... “ His voice trailed off, but the implication still hung in the air. 

You laughed, but landed a hard slap on Gin’s face. “Ahaha! Perverted Gin is the worst Gin!” 

“Hey!” Gin scowled at you, “I’m not the only perv here. You’re pretty freaky yourself.” You gave a small, brief smile, feeling a wave of nostalgia at the banter between the two of you. However, even when lost in your reverie, you didn’t want to lose to Gin of all people.

“A lady doesn’t kiss and tell~❤” At your retort, you remembered something from the last time you visited Edo and your expression darkened. Grabbing a fist full of Gin’s black collar and lifted the grown man a few feet above the ground, all whilst smiling menacingly, “Unlike you, when I heard from Katsura that we did ***** and ***** outside.” 

He blanched at your anger, honestly wanting to disappear rather than face your wrath. “E-Eh…? But, c’mon, men talk about their girlfriends all the time. You can’t blame me for this.” 

Another irk of irritation crossed your face. “Excuse me? Are implying that I’m _your_ girlfriend?” 

Before Gin can answer, a shout of the silver haired man’s name caught your attention. “Gin-san!” A bespectacled young man along with a red haired girl came over to the both of you. “Jeez, were you that excited for that choco parfait that you left without us?” the male scolded. You scowled, turning your attention to Gin, who immediately looked away. 

“So, that’s what you were excited about?!” 

You gave a swift punch to Gin’s gut, causing him to double over. You walked away from the trio, irritated by your former comrade. “Oi, [name]-chan, Gin-chan is sorry! Oi, don’t walk away! I’m soooorrryyy! Buy me something sweeeeet!” he cried from his kneeled over position. 

* * *

Shinpachi helped his employer up as Kagura watched Gin’s…

Who was she exactly? 

“Gin-chan, I think I saw this scene in those late afternoon soaps,” the Yato girl remarked, “Aren’t you supposed to go after here and hug her or something? Get down on your knees and beg here to stay?” 

“As if I would do that! Don’t worry, [name] gets lost in Edo easily, but she can find our shop pretty easy,” Gin retorted as he placed an arm around his aching torso. 

Shinpachi pushed up his glasses as he sighed at Gin’s dismissal. “Anyways, what was her name, Gin-san? You came over to the station in such a rush, you never got the chance to introduce us to her.” 

“Oh, her? She’s Gozen [name], a comrade from the Joui war. She came by to move into Edo after her wandering around the country,Gin said as he sat on a bench to nurse his aches. Both his face and stomach hurt within the five minutes of meeting you. Usually these meetings went off better, but since he hasn’t seen you so long, he must have gotten lost in the excitement. 

Shinpachi squinted his eyes at him, “What do you mean ‘wandering around the country’?” 

The silver haired samurai leaned back in his seat, crimson eyes trying staring at the concrete ceiling of the station, “This and that happened, she went to the Soul Society, mastered Bankai, met some strong rivals, beat the big bad, and now that her time as a protagonist is over, she went here. She thinks that she can make it in the big city just ‘cause she can do Bankai,” Gin explained in a deadpanned tone. 

Shinpachi’s retort was immediate, seeing too many faults with his statement to begin with, “What’s with that half-assed explanation?! You’re making it sound like Gozen-san is Ich*go from Bl*ach! Kubo-sensei may have been tired after writing for so long, but he doesn’t give a half-assed explanation like what you did just now!” 

Kagura sighed at the two bickering males, shrugging, “I highly doubt she’s the protagonist. Protagonists aren’t supposed to be in a relationship when they’re first introduced. [name]-chan must be something like a side character, but gets shipped in rarepairs.” 

“You idiot, who do you think she is?!” Shinpachi asked. At her statement, the teenager turned his gaze towards Gin. “Besides, Gozen-san is kinda the opposite of Gin-san. She’s not a NEET and looks reliable.”

“Who the hell are you calling a NEET, you bastard?!”


	2. If You Want To Make Friends, Speak Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your sadism can light up the entire bar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hm, I was thinking of a way to introduce as many characters as I can, but LOL the entire cast of gintama is just way too much. updates will possibly be frequent. let's see how long i stay fixated on this show lmao  
> [1]: A line from OPM  
> [2]: A reference to Dragon Quest, used frequently as gags in the anime

Finding Snack Otose was a cinch when you had Google Maps. 

It was a fairly well-known bar and you knew how to follow directions, so that allowed you to find the place easily. You were quite eager to see Otose again. She was a charming old lady despite her rough speech. Besides, it was a good time to pay for Gin’s rent. 

Though she insisted that you were spoiling that bum and rejected your money, you wouldn’t leave until she took it. You were entering stalker levels that scared Otose that (more or less) forced her to comply. 

_‘Hm, I haven’t seen Otose-san in a while. Gin wrote that she hired 2 new employees, so I can’t ask her for a job...But, whatever! I’ll leave tomorrow’s problems to tomorrow’s me! ' [1]_

You slid open the rickety wooden doors, smiling widely at the familiar scene of an empty bar. It was the middle of the afternoon, after all. When you visited during the night, it was packed to the brim with smiling drunks. 

Now, it was just filled with sad drunks. 

Especially one that laid over the bar with an empty glass of beer at his side. He looked more like a corpse from Dragon Quest because he looked so miserable, but you decided to ignore it. [2] 

Questioning the strange things in Kabuki-cho just lead to trouble. 

At the sound of your entrance, Otose turned towards the door and blew a puff of air into the empty space above the bar. “Oh? It’s you. Are you visiting again?” There were two unfamiliar faces in the dim bar, a strange maid with green hair and glassy red eyes. Standing next to Otose whilst organizing the shelves of alcohol was an Amanto woman with brown cat ears. 

"Nope, here to stay~♡" you answer her with a wink. You settled onto the bar, taking a grimy seat, but otherwise feeling comfortable. Despite how shabby it was and no matter how infrequently you visited Snack Otose, you realized that there was a warmth that couldn’t be found anywhere else no matter where you traveled. 

The Amanto took notice of how familiarly you greeted the bar’s owner. Her curiosity was piqued at your sudden and mysterious arrival, “Otose-san? Who is this?” Otose took a deep inhalation of her cigarette, holding it in as she thought before releasing it into the air. “Her name is Gozen [name], Gintoki’s friend. She comes and goes whenever she wants. Also, she tends to spoil Gintoki rotten. Honestly…” 

You felt your heart get stabbed at her last statement, but you knew it was true. Gin was one of your weaknesses, after all. Though he ranked (barely) in the top 20’s. Yeah, he ranked just below those sad dog adoption commercials, making Gin your 20th weakness. Ah, wait...you were getting distracted again. 

Your thoughts snapped to reality when you realized that Amanto was, for some reason, looking down on you. “Ah, is that so? I never met a woman who has an interest in that good-for-nothing. Say, are you a weirdo? Like a stalker or—” 

“Catherine-sama, it is rude to speak like that to a new guest,” the green haired girl scolded, her tone just as flat as Gin’s. 

“Eh, but Tama! There’s all kinds of people that the bum brings in!” 

“Oi, you’re acquainted with that bum,” Otose retorted, coolly. 

The maid, now dubbed ‘Tama’ was rather cute, and you leaned closer to get a better look. Upon inspection, you realized her eyes looked rather...robotic. Finally, realization dawned upon you and you smiled at Otose. 

“Otose-san, you finally caught up with the times and got a maid robot! I remember how old and stiff this place last time I was here! It’s a good change of pace to have someone so cute serving my drinks,” you said to her, causing Catherine and Otose to gape at your words. Though you were a quiet person most of the time, you would slip some poisonous honest words to people. 

It was especially prominent with Gin, though it was more along the lines of harmless teasing. 

“You just said something especially mean and black hearted! For the supposed heroine, you’re unusually mean!” Catherine retorted, pointing a finger at your face. You didn’t quite…understand what was hurtful from your statement. It was not like you had any ill will, but whatever. 

Laughing away Catherine’s words, you replied, “Forget about that! Otose-san, water, please!” 

She quirked a brow at your unusual request. When you visited her bar, you would choose anything BUT water. Pondering this, Tama served you a glass of water. “What’s wrong with you?” the elderly lady questioned. “You usually order beer or something.” 

“Ah, about that,” you started before taking a gulp of water, “I was gonna buy Gin and the others a meal when they come back. I need to save a bit.” She sighed at your bad habit once again resurfacing. 

No matter how sadistic you must be, you often take care of others without a single thought. Without bias nor prejudice, you foolishly gave your hand to whoever was in need. Whether it was because you were a people pleaser or something else, the elderly lady had no idea. Otose had chided you on this, but it seemed that you were set in your ways. 

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you. Those three are going to bleed you dry, [name]. Next thing you know, you’re the same level as that Gintoki bastard.” 

Before you can retort, a low voice that seemed somewhat worn spoke. “Must be nice...Having someone spoil you. And it must be nice being employed…” The corpse that you dismissed earlier slowly turned his head towards you, “Tell me more.”

“Eh? I thought corpses don’t speak,” you remarked turning towards the formerly blacked out drunk. “I’m not a corpse!” 

You were meeting so many people in the few hours that you were in Edo. Smiling to yourself, you believed that that person would be pleased at your progress. 

“Hm, you miserable lookin’ face convinced me otherwise~” you chimed with a teasing smile, deciding to take conversation with the Dragon Quest corpse. He frowned at your remark, but ignored it. He feels that maybe she was right on some points. 

“Are you really Gin-san’s friend?” the stranger asks you, swirling his cup and the amber liquid moved along with his movements. ‘ _Friend, huh? We do sleep together, doesn’t that make us fuck buddies, instead? Sounds complicated, though,’_ you mused. “...yeah, sure,” you replied, half-heartedly turning your eyes away from him. “I think Gin’s more of a toy than anything. Ranking just above being scum.” 

“What kind of relationship do you have?!” he asked. “Hm, I would answer the question, but I don’t know! Besides,” you leaned close to the corpse-man thing. “You haven’t told me your name.” 

“Ah, my bad. I’m Hasegawa Taizou,” he introduces, pointing to himself. “Noice, it’s good that Gin’s making friends here and there. How’d you meet him?” Hasegawa’s face darkened at the question, making him look more like a corpse than ever. “...Well, how do I put this? I guess Yorozuya ruined my life?” 

Your eyes widened, unable to form a proper response. You had a bad feeling that he was going to spiral if you pushed it. “Gin tends to do that. Like Midas’ touch, but he just spreads germs that kills your brain cells.” 

_‘That says a lot about how many you have…’_ Hasegawa thought to himself, but didn’t voice it. 

But no matter how much you bad-mouthed the silver haired samurai, it seemed that you really respected him. After all, it was said that elementary kids tease their crushes. Maybe it was the same for Gin and [name]? 

After all, they were both pretty childish.


	3. Romance Is Overrated Anyways! The New Goal Is A Reverse Harem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tfw you realize that you're the sidehoe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [1]: You know the face of Food Network??? Shows up as a meme once or twice on Twitter?  
> [2]: The infamous 'objection!' from phoenix wright [http://images.clipartpanda.com/objection-clipart-phoenix-wright-objection.jpg]  
> [3]: I'm pretty sure I saw this in a tweet and it just stuck with me  
> [4]: a little nod towards the previous chapter of this fic

You never doubted Gin’s appetite. And you never doubted Otose’s words about Yorozuya’s stomachs, either. 

Taking a booth seat in the family restaurant, you watched as Kagura wolfed down the large combo. It was the first time that you ever saw a Yato in action and you burned the fact that image of Kagura scarfing down the meal into your mind. 

_‘What the fuck? She’s eating more than Guy Fieri! Oi!’ [1]_

Subduing your protesting thoughts, you took a sip of water before Shinpachi spoke up. “Gozen-san, thank you for the food. You didn’t have to do this.” the teenager said. You smiled, waving his words off, “No problem. Gin can barely feed himself, I don’t think he can feed two other people.” 

A grumbled protest came fro your right and turned to see Gin stuffing his face with the chocolate parfait that you promised (in the end, you couldn’t resist spoiling Gin, no matter how useless he was! ★). “Objection!” Gin shouted, pointing his finger towards Shinpachi, “All my savings went to pachinko in hopes of raising these kids.” [2] 

“In the end, you lost everything!” Shinpachi retorted. 

You expected this kind of behavior from Gin, so you weren’t surprised. _‘Still a useless old man, always a useless old man,’_ you mused. “Eh~” you chimed, “Even if Gin lost everything, he’s still got the thing between his legs. That’s enough for me. The rest doesn’t matter.” 

Gin sputtered on the cold treat at your statement, unbelieving to your cruel statements, “Is that something you’re supposed to say in a family restaurant?! And that was unnecessarily mean!” 

Kgura spoke between the bites of fried rice and beef, “You know what they say about men: they’re dicks and the only good thing about them is their dicks.” [3] “Kagura-chan! Keep in mind your heroine position! Keep in mind of the complaints we might get!” 

You nodded in agreement to her words, “You’re right, Kagura! Honestly, you’re pretty mature for your age.” Kagura grinned widely, pleased that you were able to see her ‘maturity’ despite her young age. Gin frowned, feeling completely defeated. He didn’t feel like arguing anymore as no matter what Gin, there was no winning with you. Besides, he wasn’t one that bit the hand that feed him. 

The permed samurai sighed, yielding to you, “Right, right. You say that yet every time you visit Edo, you come over to my house and are begging to do the dee—” Before Gin can finish his sentence, you pushed the back of his head into the table. 

“Gin, say anymore and we’re bound to get reported,” you say with a serene smile. Shinpachi and Kagura can only watch on as you mercilessly ragged on Gin, each point driving home. “Remember, I’m the one that pays rent when I come over, I give you a portion of my funds for your sweets and pachinko, I’m the one that does **** and makes you ****.” 

Shinpachi slammed his hands on the counter to make you stop, a vein appearing on his forehead. “Seriously, stop! You’re just as perverted as Gin-san! If you keep making bleeps, then the audience gets the wrong idea and you’re bound to get us reported!” You pouted at the scolding, but decided to let it go. _‘Shinpachi’s got a point. He even compared me to Gin, so it must be serious.’_

“Don’t worry, Patsuan,” Gin started as he took out stray splitters from his curly silver locks, “if the anime and manga can survive for this long, then I’m sure we can weather this storm, too.” 

“There shouldn’t be a storm in the first place!” 

Kagura dismissively waved at the teenager’s complaints, “Aw, just let her do what she wants-aru. [name]-chan is treating us, so she seems alright.” You grinned at that, glad that you were you already in good graces with the rest of Yorozuya. “Thanks...I think. But, are you just like me because I’m feeding you?” you bluntly asked, pointing to the nearly empty plate of her combo meal. 

Her blank blue eyes bore into yours, expression flat and neutral. You blinked at her lack of answer, a pang of irritation stabbing at your heart. _‘Huh? What’s with that hesitation? Why is Kagura taking so long to answer?’_

“...yeah, sure-aru.” [4]

 _‘Why am I started to feel used? Am I a bank? Am I am sugar momma?’_

Sensing your displeasure, you felt Gin pull you closer by the waist to bring you closer. Surprised at the sudden gesture, you turned your eyes towards him before he spoke, “Kagura, I promise there’s a lot of things to like about [name]. There’s her doting personality, the small and sexy pout when she doesn’t get her way, her devotion to her loved ones, but is firm for their well-being! Plus her bankbook and being a switch!” 

You slammed his head once more into the table, nearly breaking it into two. “Everything was good until the last part, you bastard.” His two employees can only watch as their boss picked himself up, silver hair stained crimson from freshly opened wounds. Gin turned his eyes towards you, just slightly irritated at your treatment. 

“O-Oi, [name]...! I was complimenting you! What the hell?!” 

Before you can say anything else, you felt a familiar presence come to your side. Right, it was the mixture of idiocy and a fancy hair product you couldn’t quite place. Immediately recognizing who it was, your face broke out into a grin. 

“It’s been a long time!” 

You scooted over onto Gin’s lap before sliding out of the booth entirely. The man before you never changed, not even after all these years. Though he was now a terrorist, you still saw him as the soldier that fought by your side. 

“Katsura, hello,” you greeted him, smiling. “Wanna join us? I’ll treat you, too since I’m apparently only loved for my bank book.” You flashed Gin a sharp glare as you finished the last part of your statement. 

Gently pushing Gin to the end of the booth, you scooted over to have Katsura sit next to you. Not pleased with Katsura’s sudden arrival, Gin scowled whilst pointing at him with his spoon. “Zura, what the hell are you doing here? Don’t tell me you’re turning into a stalker, too? You’re just adding to more of the criminal charges!” 

“It’s not Zura, it’s Katsura!” the raven haired male retorted angrily, slamming his hand on the table and standing up in protest. “And don’t put me on the same level as that Shinsengumi commander. Gozen-dono wrote to me that she was going to move here. Is it so bad to welcome an old comrade after such a long journey?” 

Gin turned towards you, who was browsing the menu languidly. “What?! You write to Zura, too? Why him of all people?” 

“Because, I only had yours and Katsura’s addresses! It’s not like I had any other friends.” 

“Eeeeh?! When was Zura a friend?! I remember distinctly that you tohught he was an idiot! An idiot that didn’t know how to get with the times! You were really hard on him for his widowed wife kink!” 

“G-Gozen-dono, is that true?!” 

Feeling the eyes of the restaurant’s patrons, you felt both embarrassed and annoyed at the two. You already had your fill of idiocy in the Joui war with the core four as you called that group. If you had anymore, you believe that you were going to snap. 

You were _really_ going to murder these two. 

“I would like it if you idiots kept it quiet,” you scolded, giving them both a hard punch in the arm, “This is a family establishment.” 

Shinpachi watched as the two former Joui rebels recoiled at the force of your physical abuse, becoming quiet. Though he noted the petty glances between the two. The brunette squinted at the trio: [name] flipping through the menu with Gin and Katsura flanking her and exchanging glares. 

He glanced at Kagura, who was watching the scene blankly. In actuality, she was just the slightest bit jealous of you. After all, the scene was straight out of shoujo manga with an oblivious heroine.

“Shinpachi, don’tcha think that [name]-chan is a reverse harem protagonist? She has Gin-chan and now, she’s got Zura.” the Yato whispered to him. “You’re right. I can’t tell if it’s because of Gozen-san’s bank book or brutality.”

  
Without looking up from the menu, you retorted with an irritated tone, “I _can_ hear you, you know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what the fuck is romance anyways??? just get straight to the horny, already.


End file.
